It is time to talk Star Wars. If you have not seen the iconic reboot yet then you don’t care enough to be concerned about spoilers. The following spoilers won’t wreck the movie for you. Star Wars 7.0 is a campy, hilarious action packed romp of nostalgia. Go see it.

The Children

kylo_ren
Son of Solo

Kylo Ren is the son of Han Solo and Princess Leia. Thankfully not the son of Luke and Leia. He is the grandson of Anakin aka Vader. Kylo saves the Star Wars franchise nearly $100 million dollars over the next 3 installments by killing off a principle.

 

 

rey_skywalker
Rey of Luke?

Rey is Luke Skywalker’s daughter. They don’t actually say this in the movie, but they might in the next movie. I am hopeful that she is not the daughter of Luke and Leia. This makes her Ren’s cousin. They could probably have a child that would appear for installments 10, 11 and 12.

 

finn
Finn 

Finn, formerly known as FN-2187, is a jedi. He demonstrated his jedi prowess by saving England from aliens in Attack the Block. If Lucas was still running the show Finn would be Lando Calrissian’s son. However, 2187 is the cell where Princess Leia was interrogated by her father Vader. Does this mean Finn is Leia and Vader’s son. Noooooo!

 

bb-8
R2 plus DS

BB-8 is obviously the offspring (spring as in metal coil) of R2-D2 and the original Death Star. The combination of roundness and cuteness are the clues. Plus we can see R2 impregnating the Death Star in Star Wars 4.0. It is not clear whether R2 had consent of the Death Star during this act of interconnectivity.

 

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R2 D2 hooks up with Death Star

Death Stars

The Death Star was the highlight of the entire movie. These Sith Lords must have some kind of testicle envy. The first Death Star was about the size of a moon, and should have been called the Death Moon. Death Star sounds better. The next Death Star was still about the size of a moon. However the Death Star in in Star Wars 7.0 is waaaaay bigger. It is the size of a planet. Still it is not called a Death Planet. It is called a Death Star. The original Death Star used conventional magic energy to destroy an entire planet at once. The new Death Planet uses the magic energy of a star to destroy multiple planets at once. Will the next Death Star will actually be built around a star? This would make it the biggest Death Star of all, and finally live up to it’s name sake. However a sun is very hot.  I presume the true Death Star will be destroyed by turning off some unguarded power units. Said power units are required to generate the force field that protects the dyson sphere from the heat of the sun it surrounds.

Conclusions

We know that Kylo Ren made his point with his dad Han Solo. Will Rey battle Luke? Will Finn battle Leia? Will BB-8 battle R2 D2 or a future Death Star? We can only wait for episodes 8.0, 9.0 and 10.0. Personally I can hardly wait.